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Column for December 2004:


Anyone reading this column like SPAM?
No, not the canned meat product but the type that one receives by way of e-mail. Believe it or not, SPAM is not an acronym – unsolicited e-mail is just called SPAM. Some say use of the term is based on the canned meat product and of the use of its name during a Monty Python skit during the 80’s.
Who really knows the truth?
I’ll have to give the folks who generate SPAM some credit though, they’ve come up with some pretty ingenious ways to get people to actually open up those messages. You know catchy "Subject" lines, or "Subject" lines that say "Re:" on them to make you think that the message has been sent to you in response to an e-mail that you have sent. Pretty tricky huh?
The SPAM folks have begun to mess up though. In the past, the messages generated by those Internet low-life, bottom-dwelling, scum-suckers have always been made to look like they were sent by just your average "Joe", you know – names like Fred Smith, or Bob Jones, etc. But, have you taken a look recently at the names being used in the SPAM messages? I’ve been getting a real kick out of reading the names of late. In fact, I’ve been saving some of the best ones for use later on down the road. I’m gonna’ write some fiction books in the future and am even thinking about using some of those unique and highly original names. I’d like to take this opportunity to share with you some of my favorite ones:
Contraltos L. Laterals
Amplify S. Abutment
Snowdrift C. Ugly
Roistered S. Rundowns
Comfy P. Valerie
Moonshine R. Renews
Languidly G. Nonplus
Flambeing I. Used
Escort I. Turmoiling
Switched G. Quibbler
Crock M. Protruding
Settlement T. Ebb
Speakeasy H. Melisa
Withstanding V. Vanquishing
Flossie Chantal
Biologist H. Amphitheatre
Gregorio Plaza
Condescension A. Gautama
Reconstructs K. Wag
Bitterns B. Transforms
Shetland S. Overlook
Crystallographic M. Rembrandt
There you have it ladies and gentlemen, some of the most unique names ever given to individuals. This list consists of about half of the names that I have saved.

Now, in the spirit of the season – I would like to share with you a little Christmas "diddy" that I have written. But first, before you even read it – I must give my humble apology to Clement C. Moore:

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for a computer mouse. For you see, "Dad" had been lazy this year and hadn’t gotten his Christmas shopping done. Now he's at froogle.google.com, trying to find a really good deal, on a brand new BB gun."Wake-up bubba' and smell the coffee, the Internet is wonderful, the Internet is great, but no matter what you do now, it really is way too late."
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, while anxious little Jimmy typed away on his computer, in his room upstairs. For you see, he had heard that Santa's progress could be tracked, and thank goodness for Cox Cable Internet, Jimmy was doing just that. For you see the young man went to www.noradsanta.org, and he began following the trail of the jolly old man, each and every move, and that was the plan.
The rest of the children were all nestled snug in their beds, while Jimmy continued to surf, and to dream of that brand new shiny red sled. For you see, he had gone to www.santas-colo.com/messagetosanta.htm, and typed an online message to Santa, because now that the old man had an Internet connection, he’d become a "cybersurfing", "webcrawling", Internet savvy - phantom.
If you don't believe me, if you think this is a joke, just hop on over to www.claus.com, and you'll see that it is the truth that I've spoke. Type in the address, give it a try, visit the North Pole, and you'll see that I'm telling you no lie.
The work is real hard up north this time of the year, but again thanks to the Internet, Santa and his crew have been listening to Christmas music all the day through. For you see, they just hopped on over to www.netscape.com, and clicked on the "Radio" link, for you see, the music is totally free and that is true. There's Christmas music of all kinds that come with Netscape Radio, music for kiddies, music for older folks, and even music for weirdoes. Every musical taste can be satisfied, every scratch can be itched, and remember the service is free, so you don't have to be rich.
Back at the house, as the hours whittled away, little Jimmy couldn't sleep, so on the computer he continued to play. He had gone to www.google.com, and had performed a quick search on "Christmas games", and sure enough, he found what was he was looking for, at a Web site entitled "Kids Domain". He then eagerly typed in the Internet address of www.kidsdomain.com, and what he found was surely the ultimate bomb. For that Web site offered games galore, regular ordinary games and even those that required great aplomb.
Now when Jimmy became all played out and was done having fun, he then surfed on over to www.weather.com, for you see, they track the weather there, and they do that for everyone. Santa was able to make his travel plans early, so nothing would get in his way. Because nothing goes unnoticed and the predictions there are on target for each and every day. And sure enough, they had earlier predicted snow, and as Jimmy sat at his computer he heard the wind begin to blow. He then ran to his window, and he opened it up quick, and after hearing a noise on the roof, quickly scanned the sky for traces of St. Nick. Looking out through the snow and watching it fall, Jimmy then heard a friendly old voice calling out in the night "Merry Christmas to everyone, Merry Christmas to all!

Tom DiFrancesca III is a freelance newspaper columnist and a published author. You can learn more about his books by going to www.trackertombooks.com.

Back to work....

After a brief hiatus from writing a weekly newspaper column, I'm back at work. This time though, for now - I'll be writing a monthly column instead of weekly. The print version of my column will be appearing in a different newspaper than before. If you are a citizen of Clovis, New Mexico - you'll find my column within the pages of "The Informant", a freely distributed monthly that covers all of the fun and exciting things going on in Clovis.

Maybe, just maybe in the future - I'll have a local column on the Emerald Coast of Florida, we are still working on that.